This is the hardest day of the year for me. Not because of the one I never had, but because of the one I’ll never be.
I’m 48 now, and if there has been a little bit of hope this year that has completely faded away. It’s no longer realistic, it’s no longer feasible, in more ways than one. Why don’t I look into other possibilities? For the same reason I never really (although I played a lot with the idea) a single mum. I am scared to turn into her, scared to go completely overboard in the other direction and cause mental harm and unhappiness.
So I need someone to balance me out. And that someone I have never found. I haven’t looked very much either if I’m completely honest. I hid away in a no-future relationship because it was is easier than open up and come out of my comfort zone.
The old demons are still there and very present lately: who would want someone like me, I’m damaged, or what if she was right and no-one will ever love me. And right now I am too scared and feel not strong enough to face that possibility.
So in the mean time I am grateful for the two little munchkins I have in my life. My godson and his baby sister. Although J is autistic and has difficulty expressing his feelings and emotions, I know he loves me and those rare moments when he does connect with me he expresses it and I appreciate it even more. His baby sister however is the most adorable and cuddly little girl. I seem to be one of her favorite people at the moment, and so I cuddle her to death, with she absolutely loves. She also started to call me AnLeen as Tante Leen (Auntie Leen) seems to be still a bit to ambitious for this little princess, and I love how she says it.
So I know this day will pass too and I will get stronger somehow.