Not going home for xmas

I am a bit of a conundrum. I love the period before xmas. I’m singing along my xmas playlist starting somewhere in november. Start decorating the house december 7th – we have a tradition in Belgium to wait till after the other Saint Nik comes by on december 6th. Love the xmas lights all over town and in the gardens around my house. I absolutely love it.

But I hate xmas day.

Christmas day is that one day a year where you really cannot deny it’s all about family. And I don’t have a family. I have a bonus son, a godchild I absolutely adore, friends, … but no family.

I get invited every year to join my friends on xmas eve or xmas day, but even though they mean zell, and I’ve joined them a couple of times, that just makes it worse. I accentuate what I do not have.

in our family xmas day was celebrated with the side of my father, but I mostly was not allowed to go as I was told I would spoil the fun and nobody wanted to have me around. The couple of times that I did go were very uncomfortable as well as I was treated as the difficult child, as my family was told I did not want to be there, … No presents for me either as I for sure did not deserve them – which I had to repeat to her over and over so the message would be very clear – and the money that was given by aunts and uncles disappeared into her purse for ‘taking care’ of me. And because of the level of manipulator she was nobody ever saw through it. Words are difficult to describe the feeling of loneliness and feelings of being unwanted.

How hard I try to move past that part of my life, xmas always brings it back. So I decided a couple of years ago to try and not be around my house on this day. Today I sit on a beach under a palmtree in a hotel with other people who do not need/want to celebrate this at home. Some extra pampering from the hotel staff, and tonight and tomorrow will be just another moment in a sun-filled relaxing holiday.

Happy holidays!

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