I’m struggling. The other day I was talking with a friend about how when I get home at night I just drop everything where it wants to drop and how it stays there for a while. She told me it was a sign of depression. I’ve been trying very hard to deny I’m depressed but I’m afraid she might be right.
I’m trying to put on a brave face at work, and on facebook, but it get’s difficult. And I get mad at people for not getting how bad I feel, but since I’m not sharing it with them that’s not really fair (I know this, but i feel it differently). So I’m also avoiding social occasions.
I normally am a morning person, but lately I cannot seem to get out of bed. Choosing what clothes to wear seems to be the hardest decision ever. Not only am I a morning person, I’m also the queen of organizing, so having stuff laying around is so not me: I hate clutter. But somehow I cannot seem to be bothered, even though the clutter makes me feel worse.
And I’m in constant pain. It is getting so hard to bear. I’ve been suffering from joint pains since I was 18, it was mostly my knees, so I could phase it out most of the time. In the last few years my other joints decided to join in, but it has never been as bad as it is now. The pain is constant, and high, in all my joints, and combined with a headache and stomach ache. And I don’t know what to do about it. Losing weight might help of course, but how? Too much pain to move, to down to eat healthy. Taking pain meds seems such a useless exercise, and involves going to the doctor which I don’t feel like either.
If this is the rest of my life, I don’t know if can cope.